and I thought that this is the life that I want so badly because I’m happy, now, and I never want to be insensitive again. I want to feel something, all the time, as I want to be alive, and so there’s this difference
between being something and being nothing
when you’re feeling and when you’re not
then you’re alive or you are just pretending
and you don’t want to pretend, ever again, because it makes you loose yourself into nothingness.
(Feb 5th, 2019)
and now that I’m back to it,
I wonder why I ever left
why I let it happen in the first place
and what if it hadn’t happened at all?
Would I be myself, in a different place now?
Would I be a different myself?
And though “yes” is the answer to all of these questions,
these potential “me”s will never exist for real
because they just exist in the future of a past that never happened.
So is this just a rush that will inevitably end in a crash? Or is there something, here, to stay? Why don’t I just stay here for a while?
(Aug 22nd, 2021)
heimdimension 